Sometimes things are hard to say...Life has a way of knocking the wind out of you and it is hard to tell people what you are feeling. I went on a 10 day fast of social media and tonight was the first time I have looked at it. It is amazing how much it can make you feel like you are missing something in your life. It can make you feel like you are entitled to what everyone else has even if you have all you need.
About two years ago I went to the doctor and we talked about me having children. She was hesitant to ask but wanted to make sure I knew my options before anything happened. I spent a couple of months going to multiple doctors to get a feel for what I was going to deal with. At the time I didn't understand the significance of this on my life. It was like I had been shot but hadn't felt the pain quite yet. Every doctor agreed that if I tried to have children I would most likely die or my body wouldn't support the fetus and we would lose all of them. My first reaction was to brush it off like it was something I had already dealt with. I decided that we would do foster to adopt and my doctors were all happy and relieved with my decision.
It wasn't until there were multiple births in my family that I started to realize that it was real. I was able to attend the birth of my niece Charlotte and it was amazing. I felt so overjoyed but also a huge sense of disappointment that I wouldn't be able to have that experience. I started to feel jealous of everyone around me. I was so happy for them but I felt so sad for me. I felt that God had taken away the one thing He knows I want more than anything else, to be a mother.
As the months progressed I became a nanny to four wonderful children. I fell in love with them, and their parents, so quickly. I really felt like I had my very own family. I realized that these kids love me even though I am not their mom. I realized I could love these kids without having the same DNA. One of the most important things I learned is that I could LOVE their parents, especially their mom. It was something that has weighed heavily on my mind because I wanted to know that I could be sympathetic to people who were giving their kids away. Of course their mom in no way was giving her children away but it was an opportunity for me to step in and love them and love her. She has no idea how many times I have prayed to know that I would have the capacity to love the biological parents of my future children. She was the answer to my prayers and her family has blessed my life and Nathan's life immensely. Anyone that knows me knows that we have a special place in our hearts for these four kids. Quite literally, they mean the world to me and have give n me so much hope.
As I have spent these months searching my soul for answers as to why this happened I have had a crisis of faith. I started to doubt that God really loves me and that He wants me to be a mother. Everyday I feel like I am being slapped in the face with my reality and all I can do is ask why. People ask me about having kids all the time and it is so tough. I have spent countless nights crying to Nathan not knowing why we can't just "have kids". I wish it were that easy, but it just isn't. Adoption is a long process and for some reason I feel a calling to do foster care. I really want to be a good mom for any kids that need a mom, no matter how long they need me for. This is so hard because I don't know if I will ever have one that is only mine.
I guess all I am trying to say is that life is hard. It is easy to scroll the pages of Instagram and see people getting exactly what you want. It is easy to ask the Lord for everything you don't have instead of thanking Him for everything you do have. As I sit here tonight I look at my husband and realize that he might be the only family I get to have. Our pictures look small and our house feels quiet. We are working for degrees and very often go days without spending quality time together. It is hard to imagine that this is my life. This might be all I get. But then I think why isn't this enough? My life, my husband, my family is enough. If this is all I get than I will be grateful for what I got. Just know that you have and are enough. Count all the things you have and forget about all the things you don't have. I may never be a mom but I get to be a wife and a daughter and a friend and a sister. I know that I want to be the best one I can be. Doesn't mean I don't have days that I scream and cry and get angry. I can be mad but then I have to pick myself up and live the life I have been given.
