Life Never Goes As Planned

Life never goes as planned. You dream about all the great things you are going to do and have when you are a kid. I always wanted to be a singer scientist. I am pretty sure at one time I was hoping to have 20 kids. But seriously I had a lot of plans. I planned on getting married and having a family. Getting a college degree. starring in an opera. Starting my own company. Pretty much change the world. I had so many dreams. But I guess life had a completely different dream. I think its better.

In the last few weeks things have been improving in some ways. In other ways I am worse. I am having less seizures but still have them. I am not holding down all my food. The worst part of all is the studdering. I swear I can't get through many conversations. last night I had a lot of seizures in a row. I broke down because I got really confused and was in a lot of pain. It got to the point that I couldn't talk. I would open my mouth with a thought in mind and jiibberish would just come out. I couldn't form my mouth to make certain sounds. It was like this for about 2 hours. I am a very talkative person so naturally it was hard keeping my mouth shut. At one point I was crying and I opened my mouth and pretty much made gurgling. Ha ha I looked at my mom and we both just started laughing because I sounded so stupid! Its kind of sad when you get to be so sick that you can laugh at your symptoms. But I guess that is how you get through it. 

Most of the time I just really want answers. I would never want to be a doctor because it would suck to work with patients like me. They all think they know whats wrong but for the most part they never know. Right now the consensus is that I have severe nerver problems. Narcolepsy, fibromyalgia, IBS, ect. The only problem with these diagnosees is that there aren't very many treatments available because no one really understands them. Its hard to hope for progress when it never comes. 

Life has handed me something I never wanted or ever dreamed of having. I still don't want  to be sick and i surely don't want to miss out. But I think that there is a reason for everything in life. I have learned so much from being sick. I have learned my limits and learned what is important. Mostly its made me stronger and made me see things the way things are. I am really grateful I have my life. I am grateful I am sick and I am grateful that things are hard. They have made me better. They have made the joyous moments so much better. My relationships are stronger. I can't imagine life another way.