Life Never Goes As Planned

Life never goes as planned. You dream about all the great things you are going to do and have when you are a kid. I always wanted to be a singer scientist. I am pretty sure at one time I was hoping to have 20 kids. But seriously I had a lot of plans. I planned on getting married and having a family. Getting a college degree. starring in an opera. Starting my own company. Pretty much change the world. I had so many dreams. But I guess life had a completely different dream. I think its better.

In the last few weeks things have been improving in some ways. In other ways I am worse. I am having less seizures but still have them. I am not holding down all my food. The worst part of all is the studdering. I swear I can't get through many conversations. last night I had a lot of seizures in a row. I broke down because I got really confused and was in a lot of pain. It got to the point that I couldn't talk. I would open my mouth with a thought in mind and jiibberish would just come out. I couldn't form my mouth to make certain sounds. It was like this for about 2 hours. I am a very talkative person so naturally it was hard keeping my mouth shut. At one point I was crying and I opened my mouth and pretty much made gurgling. Ha ha I looked at my mom and we both just started laughing because I sounded so stupid! Its kind of sad when you get to be so sick that you can laugh at your symptoms. But I guess that is how you get through it. 

Most of the time I just really want answers. I would never want to be a doctor because it would suck to work with patients like me. They all think they know whats wrong but for the most part they never know. Right now the consensus is that I have severe nerver problems. Narcolepsy, fibromyalgia, IBS, ect. The only problem with these diagnosees is that there aren't very many treatments available because no one really understands them. Its hard to hope for progress when it never comes. 

Life has handed me something I never wanted or ever dreamed of having. I still don't want  to be sick and i surely don't want to miss out. But I think that there is a reason for everything in life. I have learned so much from being sick. I have learned my limits and learned what is important. Mostly its made me stronger and made me see things the way things are. I am really grateful I have my life. I am grateful I am sick and I am grateful that things are hard. They have made me better. They have made the joyous moments so much better. My relationships are stronger. I can't imagine life another way. 

Thanks for the Fight

I named this blog after my sister Cate. A few weeks ago I started falling a lot. One night I fell in the bathroom and I couldn't get up so I called Cate to come and get me. The first thing she did was laugh at me and say "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!". For all of you who don't know, its from that commercial where the older lady falls and says that in a really cheesy voice. Even though I had fallen, we still laugh at that commercial and the fact that it applies to my life. Ha ha Hence the name! I am writing this blog simply so I can find good in a lot of bad and I think this is a good start.:) Hopefully you enjoy it!

Its funny how life gives a plan completely different from the one you had. This past week has been really hard. For awhile things have been wrong and I guess I hit my breaking point. On Wednesday I started having seizures. I was in the hospital for just a few days but every moment was filled with pain and fear. Hospitals have never been my happy place but they sure do a lot for a lot of people. Ah I wish I could only complain sometimes. I wish I could tell everyone how hard it is to never get better and only get worse. But...I have so many things to be grateful for. This week I have had an opportunity I have never had before. I was conscious through everything and even though I had no ability to control my body I remember everything that happened. I would pass out a lot and usually would stop breathing. I could hear but I couldn't speak. And every time these hard things would happen I would get to listen to everyone around me. They would hold my hand and speak to me and I could always hear the worry in their voice. I have never ever felt so loved. I think it is a rare thing to be able to see someones love when they think you aren't watching. The other night Zach told me that when I come out of the seizures I usually smile. I thinks its because I am just really glad to have wonderful people in my life.
Thank you to everyone for your visits and calls and texts. Thank you to my teachers for being kind and understanding. Thank you to my students for being kind and flexible. Thank you to my doctors who are kind and caring and have found ways to help.Thank you to my mom who has been with me through all of this and has supported me and loved my imperfect body. Thank you to Madi and Zach. You guys have been with me every day helping me and keeping me happy and letting me cry with you. You both are stars! ha ha I am beyond blessed to have such good friends! And that includes of all you people:)
I am glad to say that things are improving. My seizures are getting less and less. I am relearning how to walk, which has been filled with many many falls but I am pretty much there. I decided that no matter what happens I am going to keep trying. I am not going to quit. I sometimes want to but I just have way to much to live for. I have way to many to many people to fight for. And I am so so lucky to have people to fight for!