I can't believe it is already 2015! Can I just say how much I suck at blogging...but most of you who know me, knew that already. New Years always makes me reflect on the previous year and the upcoming one. Last year had its bad moments but it turned out pretty well. Ha ha I spent New Years Eve with my cousins and when saying goodbye to my sweet aunt she told me that she hoped 2015 would be a better year. When I told her that it wasn't too bad she simply stated "No it was bad". If you've read my blog before you know I believe that things happen for a reason. I think the world is full of good and bad and that each need each other. This year pretty much sucked! Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. Surprisingly it was one of the best years of my life. I learned so many things about myself. And I learned how to be happy when you literally have nothing to be happy about.
This last year I became so much closer to my Savior. Sometimes I can't believe how anyone survives without Him. So often I have days like today. Days where I literally want to just scream at everyone. I reach a point where I can't handle all the little things that my body can't deal with. My sweet 11 year old brother feels the need to always tell me when I can't eat something. I don't know how many of you eat dairy free, gluten free, red meat free, sugar free food but it's not fantastic. It's not terrible but when you watch the rest of your family eat steak and hot chocolate and cheese you just want to be mad! I haven't had cheese in like forever!!! And I love cheese!
Today my sister also joked that I'm not fun. I realize that I am not a blast from the past but I really hate hearing it. There are so many things I want to do all the time. Go to school, hang out past ten, eat at any restaurant, exercise, be able to sing as long as want! Point is, when you are in a body that doesn't let you do the many things you want to do it can be frustrating. It can drive you MAD! For some time now I have lied to myself. I joke about being sick. I joke about dying. I joke about everything cause I can't handle facing what the actual truth is. I AM TERRIFIED! Like all the time. Terrified of being sick, terrified of leaving my family and friends, terrified to get the same result 3 years in a row. Mostly I am terrified of being trapped in this body and having no place to go. Why don't we face these things? Are we too scared to accept the reality of being human?
This year I want to accept it all. I want to be honest about things. I don't want to lie to myself just so I can prolong the inevitable. I have been thinking so much on why we all have to go through these terrible experiences. Why God made a world that was imperfect. That has sorrow and disease and anger and pain. But I read this quote that said something like "why would we expect things to be easy when it was never, ever easy for Him". God gave His Son to save the world. To make it possible for us to live in a world that has no disease, no sorrow, no anger, no pain. How could we think that becoming perfect would be so easy? Why would it be? And if it was easy, would we learn? would we change?
I am grateful for a God who knew what I needed. I am grateful for the bad terrible year I had, and for who I became because of it. I can't wait to see what next year has in store...good and bad:)
Happy New Year!!
