I am never sure why I feel compelled to write. I guess it is a way for me to get my truth out.Even if nobody reads this, I figure that if I don't write it down then maybe I didn't learn anything. I am also not sure why it is always in the middle of the night that I feel inspired. I have always had a restless nature, especially when the lights are off and everyone else is asleep.
Tonight I found myself looking in the mirror as I often do. Sometimes I stare at myself and wonder if it is really me that I am looking at. I am sure you can relate to the feeling of being captive in your own body. I wonder how I can look so different in my mind. The last ten years have been rather rough on my body. I have so many scars left from being alive. Six years ago I weighed around 100 pounds. I wasn't absorbing food and I couldn't keep much down. Most of the time the only thing people would say is that I was too skinny and I needed to gain weight. I, of course, knew they were right. Even though I put in so much effort to gain weight it just wasn't sticking. Fast forward to now and so much has changed. I had a stomach surgery that allowed me to keep more food down. I went into a slight remission and my body instantly started holding on to everything. I went from 100lbs to 125lbs to 140lbs and now to 165lbs. Even as I write that I feel worried about what others will think. I realize I am not heavy and that it is silly to feel bad that I am gaining weight. I realize that I am a healthy wieght but,I still worry that when others see me they will think that I have lost control. I don't always feel beautiful in my own skin, especially since everytime I start to feel comfortable my body changes more.It is exhausting and embarrasing.
I now have stretch marks all across my legs and stomach. My belly is riddled with scars from surgery. My skin is scarred from rashes and usually looks red and miserable. My clothes never fit becuase I haven't stayed the same weight for longer than a month. My hair is falling out and I can never wear makeup because it seems I am allergic to everything. I have small purple dots that never faded after staph infections. Most days I feel like my body is too battered to be beautiful. I am trying to change that.
In my yoga class we often talk about being grateful to our body for the things it allows us to do. It is a hard thing to do when it seems your body has so many limitations. It is frustrating to watch others do all the things I can't do. I hate that when I do activites I often have to set my limits. I sometimes feel that I should be embarrased or ashamed by my bodies limitations. I often look at others and wonder how they could endanger the gift they have been given. I am jealous that they at least have something to take for granted.
As I look in the mirror tonight I am thinking about the things I take for granted. I take for granted that I have weigth. That I have something to hold me up and make me strong. I look at my battered body and am reminded that I am a warrior. I have lived through it all and I am still standing. I know I have things to work on but I need to be grateful for what I have. Most of all I need to love who I am and what I look like. I am beautiful in my own way. My body is a reminder of what my soul has endured and I always should honor that. I hope that others can look at themselves with love. Give yourself some credit already! Look in the mirror and recognize that you are beautiful and are perfectly imperfect. It is always hard to look different than the image in your head. But at least your body is real. Your scars and imperfections are real and they are beautiful. They are a symbol of where you have been and how strong you are.
Then Now
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