Right before I started to get sick (really sick) I remember praying to God and asking Him to make me better, stronger and more like Him. When I was younger my family went through a lot of tough stuff and I thought I had aced the test. I thought I could give Him all the correct answers. I had kept praying and reading my scriptures and going to church. I thought that was all it took to ace one of God's tests. Trust me those things are important for your sake,but, I didn't realize that when I asked God to make me better I was asking for much more. I was asking to suffer and to struggle.
At first when I got sick I was really mad. I thought about how unfair it was that I had to go through these things. I thought the answer was to have faith and then I would be cured. To only pray for miracles that included my suffering to be over. Guys this is not the type of change God had in mind for me. He knew that I could pray for a miracle and that's not what I needed. He knew that I needed to learn to suffer, to struggle and know how to be strong within myself.
So things got harder and harder. I doubted my faith and didn't understand why someone like me who had been good all my life had bad things happen. Why did I have to go to sleep with no hopes and dreams for the day to come? Why would a loving God make us suffer?
Basically I was mad at God for giving me exactly what I had asked of Him. And eventually it hit me. Probably way later than it should have. If I had asked to come to earth to become better shouldn't I be disappointed if I didn't get this chance to go through hard things? Even more, if my Savior sacrificed His hopes and His dreams and His life, why wasn't I willing to sacrifice mine for Him? If I wanted to become better and more like Him why wasn't I willing to struggle?
I am not saying that if we understand these things that life gets easier. This week I had a tube shoved down my nose about 30 times while dry heaving. It was rough and I cried the whole time. But that night I realized that I was going to bed with hope. I realized that I have become strong enough to accept what I have been given and know that I can face the next day with confidence and courage. Trust me I am not always positive and not always grateful but I go to bed feeling like I have conquered something hard and that I can overcome anything. That it is a privilege to suffer.
If you are not to this point keep trying. That's all He asks of us is to not give up and to keep looking forward even though you don't know what the future holds. Trust in Him, in His plan and His incredible love for you! Most of all go to bed knowing that you are strong and that you did conquer something today. Even if it was just getting out of bed. You have courage far beyond what you believe and the strength to suffer, to struggle and to become better!
P.s. to all you tubies out there, you are amazing! I don't think I am tough enough to have one of those in all the time.
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